Yeah, so this is embarrassing... But yesterday the hubs sat me down and said, "You are just getting dangerously thin, and not only that, you are exhausted all the time and can barely function." Wow, that was a lot to hear. But he isn't wrong. I had a runway show on Saturday, and for one of my fittings I found that my ribcage was bumping against the zipper of my dress causing discomfort, that is not normal. Also, I can't sit in my wooden kitchen chairs because my butt is too bony, it's painful. When I've been pulling clothes out of my closet for Castings, my size "small" T's are wayyy too big. :-(
In a society obsessed with thinness, this is an odd problem. So many people would hear this and think, "bitch, stop complaining! I wish I had your problem." It's not cool. This sort of thing has happened about 4 times in my life. At least my husband caught me before I passed out in front of my kids in the middle of the day and M having to call 911. That would be awful, I would never forgive myself for doing that to my kids.
At first I thought it was a function of me just being SO DAMN BUSY. I honestly do eat on the run, while I'm chasing the kids down, I don't have time to sit down and eat properly. Burning the candle at all of the ends.
But then I realized that I am engaging in some not so healthy behaviors that I didn't even realize. Like I would only eat this specific cereal out of this specific bowl, and if that bowl wasn't clean I wouldn't eat. And being so exhausted during the day that I can't even move, and because it's not a meal time I won't eat anything, even though that's all I would need for energy. Also last week I had a horrid headache and M and I happened to make banana bread that day, I "slipped" and ate a piece, BOOM Headache/malaise GONE. the miracle of eating. smh.
I mean, when you're a mom and you're trying to blog and model and cook and clean, it is a lot to juggle. It would be normal to be fatigued.
But not like how I've been feeling. I just stopped running and exercising. I just couldn't lift my limbs to move them in that way. So exhausted I could barely change my clothes at night. Every little motion felt like a Herculean feat. My body was incased in mud, are you kidding me? If a pack of wolves was chasing me down, I would just say, go ahead and eat me. I'm too fatigued to run. And I love to be active and run and bike. I just didn't have the energy anymore.
I feel SOOOO INCREDIBLY guilty about this. I didn't even realize it was happening. I don't even know what to say. I think i'm going to have to put myself on a non-negotiable eating schedule (I've had to do this before). I really do miss running, I can't wait til I feel I can do this again. Also I can't wait to lay on the carpet and do sit-ups without the pain of my vertebrae rubbing on the hard floor keeping me from doing it.
I want to be the best mom. I sincerely hope that my kids haven't thought that I've been not doing the best job. My exhaustion has led to a lot of cuddle time. Who doesn't like that?
Also, I might cut back on some things, like modeling. I don't know if there has been some subconscious drive in me to get thinner due to it. I hope not, because I really enjoy it. But maybe all the scheduling stress in working around fittings, kids conferences, runway shows, and doctors appointments has just driven my stress level into overdrive. Who knows. I just hope I feel better soon.
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